Mind The Gap by Colorblind Cards (www.colorlindcards.com)  founder Jessica Huie

Today I almost legged it from Peter Jones .  And no I wasn’t looting.

Thirteen years after first baby and I’m pregnant with baby number two. An angel to follow my daughter and work of art Monet no doubt, and a catalyst to propel me into another era of meaningful parenthood and joy. Yet all that said I am quietly bricking it a little bit.

For over a decade I have been nappy free. The only hand luggage I’ve needed has been something clutch shaped and sexy, and my daughter has endured years if being confused for my younger sister (occasionally.) So now here aged 31 and on the nursery floor again, I found myself surrounded by baby apparatus, cots and pregnant couples, and somewhere between the sling, muslin squares and nipple pump my eyes welled with tears, face flushed with heat and I ran for the escalator. My man returned from feeding the meter to find me wandering deliriously towards the exit sign.

The truth is you see, that despite having done this before with very little in the way of faculties or a blind clue how to burp a baby, thirteen years on its just as daunting for a whole new set of reasons. Ok so this time I am actually a grown up with some life experience, education and a business behind me, but in a cruel twist of irony that is actually the problem. I can’t decide whether having had nothing to lose and all to gain or the fear of losing all that I have gained, is worse! My how the irony of womanhood can weigh a mentally over-active girl down.  Must meditate more.

It must be said of course that I write this on one of those days. Slightly sleep deprived and overwhelmed by the running of the businesses, the pre pubescent daughter returned from New York, and the decorator whose presence means there is stuff everywhere. The temptation is to bury under the duvet and teleport to being 13 and pond dipping in Sayers Croft. Why? Because the only thing that mattered was catching those wiggly newts and not allowing ones wellies to fill with too much pond.

I am of course in awe of the baby who is apparently moving furniture around in my tummy. I have sung to my baby and felt him kick in response and I am already infatuated. I cannot wait to meet this little man who will spin my world into a new realm of existence, but please God don’t let me lose Jessica completely in motherhood part two. And if I could just regain my pre baby figure within weeks of giving birth that would also be wonderful.  I am putting in the hours, still body pumping at 7 months pregnant – this effort deserves recognition.

And what is it about people suddenly thinking that it’s cool to comment on my physical form?? Like the friend of my man’s who declared “You’re massive” on first sight of me post conception. Yeah? And you are short, little obnoxious, tactless man, but this time next year you’ll still be in that predicament. Grrrrrrr.

Overall it is joyous, I am blessed and will, like us elastic women do, just bend to a new capacity in order to stay sane and fabulous.

My bag, though no longer a clutch, may resemble more of a stylish weekend tote thanks to little man’s apparatus and God forbid even a pump, but something tells me that even after all the nappies are changed and the lullabies hummed, Jessica is far too strong a spirit to be quelled into complete domesticity, only enhanced, and ultimately as is the way with these little people who come from Heaven to us, inspired to love more, learn more, give more and when all is said and done, be more.

Can’t wait to meet you baby